Call It What You Want (A Confession)
by WinterSky101
Summary: A "Spinning Silver" fic. A new chapter begins once again, this time with the birth of a child. Irina/Mirnatius. Second and final in "Foolish Love."


**The title comes from the song "Fool" by Handsome Ghost.**

* * *

When Irina and I slept, it was normally with her back pressed to my front. Our bed was large, but most nights, we no longer took advantage of that. Of course, there were nights where one of us needed our space - more often than not, that one was me - but most nights, we had hardly an inch between us. Irina slept against me, so close she claimed to be able to feel my heartbeat in her own chest. For my part, I slept with an arm draped over her waist, my hand splayed over her swelling stomach.

Her stomach had grown large over the past few months, and I knew it meant the baby would be born soon. I knew it meant we would soon be parents. I knew it meant our lives would soon be upended completely, and nothing would ever be the same for us again.

And oh, how I craved it.

I imagined the child time after time, sometimes picturing a little boy with Irina's porcelain skin, sometimes imagining a little girl with my Tatar coloring, sometimes imagining anything else in between. I pictured our potential daughter, and I pictured our potential son, and I eagerly awaited the moment I would finally be able to meet whichever one was in Irina's womb.

Irina sighed softly in her sleep and pressed closer to me, and I tightened my grip around her. We always woke up wrapped tighter around each other than we'd fallen asleep, as if our sleeping bodies had less compunctions about intimacy than our waking bodies did. For now, though, awake as I was, I couldn't think of any reason not to get closer to Irina. I always felt more comfortable with loving her openly when she was asleep.

Irina sighed again, the sound gentle and soft, and I closed my eyes and followed her into slumber, as I would follow her anywhere.

* * *

The next morning dawned bright and early with a financial meeting. I did my usual performative grumbling, and Irina did her usual performative eye-roll. Once that was out of the way, we both made our way downstairs and to the meeting. It was as tedious as ever, but at least the advisors we met with were almost definitely not planning to murder us. It was a low bar, but considering our previous advisors hadn't been able to clear it, it was one I was insistent upon setting. After the meeting, we went to breakfast, and then Irina stood to leave and join her ladies-in-waiting and our day rapidly changed.

"Oh," Irina whispered, her eyes going wide, then she reached out and grabbed my arms. I startled at the unexpected touch, gaping at her.

"Irina?"

"My water broke," she whispered. "I'm going to have the baby."

For a moment, all I could do was stare at her wordlessly, then my senses returned to me and I turned to the closest servant. "Have the tsarina's physician sent to the birthing room _now_. Irina, can you walk?"

"I think so," Irina said, her voice still strangely breathy. "Mirnatius, I-"

"Come," I said, forcing my voice to be gentle. "Let's go."

I helped Irina to the birthing room, where the physician was waiting. Irina's nurse was there too, and she immediately began fussing over her charge. I mostly ignored her, as I usually did, and brought Irina over to the bed. Servants immediately began divesting her of her clothes, and I turned to the physician.

"What shall I do?"

The physician looked at me, clearly startled. "What will _you_ do, Your Majesty?"

"Yes," I said, tamping down on my irritation. "What shall I do?"

"Traditionally, the father waits outside," the physician replied. "The birthing room is normally a woman's place."

"And yet here you stand," I countered.

"Yes," the physician floundered, "but I am a trained physician, and you, Your Majesty, are… not."

Clearly, the physician was going to be useless on this matter, so I turned to Irina. "Do you want me to be here, or do you want me to go?"

Irina looked at me, now wearing nothing but her shift, and offered me a wan smile. "Go, Mirnatius. We don't know how long this will take, and our country will need ruling in the interim."

I took Irina's hand and kissed the back of it, then I nodded. "If you need me, call for me, and I'll come."

Irina smiled at me, then she turned to the physician and the other ladies there, and I left the room. I wasn't entirely certain how I was meant to go about ruling our country while she gave birth to our child - did she expect me to be able to _concentrate_? - but I vowed that I would do my best. Irina would need to rest after the child was born, after all, and thus she'd need to pass over the ruling of Lithvas to me. I'd done my best to prove that I was worthy of her trust, but this would give me another chance to show it. Irina would give birth to our heir, and I would make sure our country didn't falter as she did so.

The first thing I did was send word to Irina's ladies-in-waiting that she was currently in the throes of childbirth and wouldn't be meeting with them. Then I sent word to my tailor to cancel the fitting for a new winter coat I was supposed to have that afternoon. I'd need to go to Irina's meeting with a few disgruntled priests instead. I was certain they would have preferred to meet with her, given that nearly all of the clergy had nothing but disdain for the child of a witch, but the meeting was urgent and Irina was in no state to attend it. They'd get me instead, and if they knew what was good for them, they wouldn't complain.

I'd need to speak with the priests anyway, to arrange a christening for our child. He or she would need to be baptized as soon as possible. I wasn't certain how much I believed in any God, but the christening would be a public affair, and given my own history, it would be necessary. We couldn't have anyone threatening our child with Hell because their father was known to be the son of a witch. Of course, that might still happen even after the christening, but hopefully the knowledge that the child had been baptized would make things easier.

With that settled, I had nothing I needed to do until the meeting with the priests. I'd originally planned to do some drawing in the morning, given that I had the time off, but I knew I wouldn't be able to focus. Irina was giving birth, for God's sake. How was I supposed to think about anything but that? I'd have to eventually, of course, but at the moment…

Well. I had nothing better to do, so I went up to our room and thought about Irina. I pulled out old sketches, began aimlessly designing her a new dress for our child's christening, and worked a bit more on a christening cap I'd been doodling for months now. The design was growing rather extravagant, but considering it was nothing but a doodle, I thought that was alright. I didn't intend to really put our child in a diamond-encrusted cap. Not _yet_, at least. Perhaps when they were older… Diamonds would look fetching against Irina's coloring, I was sure. For a moment, I imagined a daughter with Irina's coloring and my green eyes, laughing and beautiful in a diamond tiara.

A daughter who, if she were born first, would rule Lithvas as tsarina in her own right. I'd make sure of that.

After everything that happened with Lord Alric, Irina and I had cleared out most of our advisors and replaced them with people we found more trustworthy. Of course, I was still somewhat paranoid about them, but at least Irina no longer called that unnecessary. In fact, she seemed to agree with me; we both watched over our advisors with an eagle eye. Thus far, none of them had done anything to provoke suspicion, but they knew how closely they were being watched and how close they were to losing their positions, and it made them much more amenable than my old advisors had been. They'd been far less adversarial when I'd declared my intentions to change the laws of succession so a daughter could inherit the throne. Of course, they hadn't particularly _liked_ the idea, but that was mere foolishness. Logically, there was no reason a tsarina couldn't rule, and there was especially no reason anyone currently in Lithvas ought to think that was the case. Anyone who didn't realize we were effectively being led by a tsarina already was stupid enough they didn't deserve to have an opinion on the matter.

Irina was helping with the campaign, of course, and her help was, as always, invaluable. She was as dedicated to the idea as I was. Quite possibly, she was even more dedicated to it. Between the two of us, I was certain we'd secure the throne for our daughter, if that was indeed the child who was currently being born.

I still couldn't quite believe that our child was currently being _born_.

I'd had months to get used to the concept, of course, but even as Irina's stomach had visibly grown, it had never seemed as real as it did now, with Irina downstairs in the birthing room. The child could already be _born_. In all likelihood, it would be hours yet until it was all finished, but in theory, there could be a knock on my door at any moment, a servant sent up with the news. _Your Majesty, you are a father._

Would the words feel real then, once they were spoken aloud, or would they still feel like something out of a dream I could hardly believe might come true?

Well. Time would tell.

* * *

The morning passed very slowly and with no word from Irina or the physician. I paced our room and tried not to panic too much. Surely things would turn out alright in the end, would they not? Surely Irina and the child would be alright, and all of my worry would be for nothing.

When the time for the meeting with the priests finally arrived, I was almost glad for the distraction. That didn't last long. Five minutes into the meeting, I remembered why we'd decided Irina should do it. Not only were the priests very nearly openly dismissive of me - a bold move, to give credit where credit was due, if a stupid one - but they were perhaps some of the dullest people I'd ever met. Practically from the first moment they opened their mouths, I was bored to tears. How was I meant to listen to their inane concerns and answer their stupid questions, especially under these circumstances? It was more than I could bear.

One of the priests babbled something about blasphemy and heretics, and I did my best not to roll my eyes. What exactly made the priests so certain that their ideas of religion were correct? Who was to say the Jews didn't have the right of it instead, or those who thought there was no God at all? To claim to know for certain, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they knew precisely what the inner workings of the universe were was a level of hubris even I didn't intend to reach. I didn't say that, though; I was unpopular enough with the clergy as it was. There was no need to pick fights, especially when I'd need their cooperation soon with the christening.

The priest finished talking and looked at me expectantly, and I realized I hadn't paid attention to a word he said. "Repeat to me, in the simplest terms and the least amount of words possible, what exactly it is you need from me," I said dryly.

The priest's eyes practically bugged out of their sockets. "Your Majesty, did you not listen to a word I said?"

"No," I admitted easily. "So. Repeat to me, in the simplest terms and the least amount of words possible, what exactly it is you need from me. And do it quickly, before the little bit of patience I still have for you runs out."

The priest spluttered, and I rolled my eyes, and things probably would have gotten ugly if a servant hadn't appeared at that moment and curtsied. "Your Majesty? The tsarina is asking for you."

The priest was instantly forgotten, and if he had any brains at all, he would accept that. "Has the child been born?"

The servant bowed her head. "I don't know, Your Majesty. All I know is what I've been told, and that's that the tsarina is asking for you."

"Very well," I said, waving a hand to dismiss her. I turned to the priest. "We shall continue this conversation at another time."

The priest didn't look happy about it at all, but he bowed and nodded. "Yes, Your Majesty."

I favored him with one short, sharp nod, and then I left for the birthing room. I didn't run, but it was a close thing. Irina had asked for me, and I had to know why. Had the child been born? Was there some sort of a complication? Had something gone wrong? I had to know, and I had to know _immediately_.

I arrived at the birthing room and burst inside, not bothering to knock. "Your Majesty!" the physician gasped, but my eyes were fixed solely on Irina, sitting up in the bed, her stomach no longer quite so rounded, with a swaddled bundle in her arms.

"Mirnatius," she said, looking up at me with warm, if exhausted, eyes. "Come meet our daughter."

I stumbled forward as if in a daze. I'd known that Irina was giving birth, I'd known I'd most likely enter the birthing room to find she'd finished, but seeing the evidence before me…

Irina tilted the bundle in her arms towards me, and I saw our newborn daughter's face, scrunched up and red and damp and absolutely _perfect_. "Our daughter," I whispered, looking up at Irina. "Our _daughter_."

Irina beamed at me. "Our daughter."

"What shall we name her?" I asked. "And how many names do you intend for her to have? Some of the nobility give ridiculously long ones."

"Well," Irina said, "I'd like her first name to be Marzena, if you don't mind."

My eyes flickered to Irina's nurse, whose eyes had gone wide. The origin wouldn't be obvious, but I knew where she'd gotten the name; it was a diminutive of a form of Margrethe, just as her nurse Magreta's name was another.

"As you wish," I replied, because for once, I wasn't in the mood to argue about anything with Irina. "And for a middle name, perhaps Ilsiya? It's a Tatar name that means 'beloved of the Motherland.' Fitting for a tsarina, is it not?"

"Marzena Ilsiya," Irina repeated slowly. A smile spread across her face. "It sounds perfect."

"As she is," I replied, gently reaching out one hand to touch Marzena's cheek. "As you are," I added, looking up at Irina.

Irina's face softened impossibly more, and I felt a sudden swell of affection in my chest for her. I opened my mouth to say something - _anything_ \- when the physician stepped forward.

"Your Majesty, the tsarina must rest," he told me. "The wet nurse will take the child."

"Must she?" Irina asked, looking down at little Marzena in her arms. "Could I not keep her?"

"You need your rest, Your Majesty," the physician said gently. "The child will be well taken care of, and you can see her again after you wake." He turned back to me and added, "Perhaps you could bring the tsarina up to her room?"

I looked down at Irina, a bit warily. "Is she well enough to be moved?"

"She should be fine," the physician replied. "The birth went well. And I believe she'll be more comfortable in a… cleaner bed."

I looked down, only now noticing that the top sheet was the only one not stained with blood. "Very well." I offered a hand to Irina. "Shall we?"

Irina passed Marzena over to her nurse, then she took my hand and cautiously got to her feet. "Are you alright?" I asked, a bit nervously.

"I am," Irina replied. A servant brought her a dressing gown, which she slipped into. "Thank you, Doctor Nikolai."

"Of course, Your Majesty," the physician replied, bowing. "And, may I offer my congratulations on your beautiful daughter?"

"You may," Irina replied with a smile. "She is indeed beautiful, is she not?"

"She is," I agreed. "As are you."

Irina gave me a fond look, then she started towards the door. I walked along with her, and slowly, we made our way up to our bedroom. "You did it," I said quietly when we entered. "We have an heir."

"We do," Irina replied with a smile. "We have a beautiful, beautiful daughter." She eyed me, a bit warily. "We should probably have another child, to secure the succession, but we don't need to worry about that yet."

I nodded. I still didn't like the thought of having sex, but perhaps it wouldn't be quite as bad this time as it had been last time, now that I trusted Irina more. I wasn't foolish enough to think that love solved everything, but trust might help.

"You should rest," I said quietly. "Come, get into bed."

Irina climbed into bed, and I pulled the covers up over her. "Will you stay with me?" she asked softly. "Just until I fall asleep."

"Of course," I replied. Feeling daring, I lifted her hand and brushed a kiss over it. "Whatever my tsarina wishes."

Irina smiled slightly. "If you treat our daughter as you treat me, she'll be spoiled rotten."

"She's a princess and a future tsarina. She deserves to be spoiled."

Irina laughed, then she settled in against the pillows and closed her eyes. She must have been exhausted, because it didn't take long at all for her breaths to even out. Tentatively, I brushed a kiss across her forehead and whispered a quiet, "I love you."

I'd never said it aloud before, but now seemed a good time to start.

Irina must not have been entirely asleep, because her eyes opened, just a crack. "I love you too," she breathed, and I believed her.

Even after she fell asleep, still I stayed, watching her breathe. Then, after a long while, I stood and left the room, heading to the nursery.

Irina's nurse was there, gently rocking Marzena in her crib. She looked up when she saw me and curtsied. "Your Majesty."

"As you were," I dismissed. "I merely came to see the child."

The nurse nodded, moving to the side a bit so I could get a better look at Marzena. She was sleeping, her little eyes closed, her little face calm.

"Would you like to hold her, Your Majesty?" the nurse asked.

I looked up at her, eyes wide. "She's sleeping."

"You won't wake her," the nurse replied. "And if you do, she'll go right back to sleep. Here, sit down, and I'll give her to you."

Slowly, I sat down in the chair next to the crib. Irina's nurse lifted Marzena from it, then she handed her gently to me. "Be sure you support her head, Your Majesty."

I cradled Marzena in my arms, carefully supporting her head the best I could, and looked down at her little sleeping face. "Welcome to the world, little one," I whispered, quietly enough that I didn't think the nurse would be able to hear. "Your mother and I love you very much. You will want for nothing while we are alive, and when we are gone, you will be tsarina."

My own childhood had been fraught with peril and controlled by a demon. Irina's, as far as I knew, had been filled with her father's quiet disappointment. Marzena's childhood, I swore to myself, would be nothing like either of ours. Hers would be perfect.

"I love you, little one," I whispered, "and I will always keep you safe."

And nothing in all of Heaven or Hell would ever be enough to make me break that vow.


End file.
